MY ISSUES WITH WOMEN
When It Rains, It Pours
First off, Louise Kizer. My mama. That woman never left me behind. That woman never put no job, man, hobby, money, or nigga ahead of me. I was her child and she was gangsta in the purest sense of the word in taking care of my wellbeing.
Throughout life, I struggled with duplicating the values and commitment she had for me to myself. I’ve been easily discouraged, hesitant, and procrastinating when important life circumstances arise. That constantly put me in financial issues.
Over time, I’ve developed a selfish trait in my personality that has definitely restricted my creativity and potential to earn money for the life I wanted for myself.
I’ve taken advantage of people and situations that were meant for my good and karma has almost made regular visits to me as a result of that. My adult life has lacked the consistency and discipline which always put me in survival mode.
A great deal of my life has been lived out of lack which limits all potential abundance from circulating. I’ve found excuses instead of results. I’ve been more of a grown male, than a grown man.
Part of the reason I started to write this book, is to put these things in front of me, so I can begin to work towards conquering these shortcomings. There is no way to correct a problem unless it’s identified first.
By the time you read this, I will be in the process of developing new habits and life practices to improve my wellbeing, strengthen my ability to be a better father and become the money earner I long to be.
Prayer, meditation, writing down goals and plans, and creating basic life rules for myself, along with following the guidance of several mentors, will be the mode of transportation I will use to be the man I’m going to be.
What I have written in the previous paragraphs, gives you a sense of why I’ve struggled mightily with my interaction with the opposite sex. These toxic things are the root of my problems.
All though it’s impossible to remove this root, it can be medicated, nursed to good health, and recovered which will improve the remainder of my life.
This guy Torrey Jones, that you just so happen to be reading about in this book, is not a loser per se, but doesn’t reach the winners bracket of life very often. However, as the song says, a change is gon come.
I’ve put unrealistic expectations on every female that I’ve had an intimate relationship with. Subconsciously, I’ve searched for my mom in women. Instead of being a man and leading, I’ve wanted to be taken care of.
That’s not always bad. The purpose of having a life partner is that there is always someone for you to help and take care of you, but it should always be a two-way street. No one should ever feel shortchanged in a relationship.
Raising children, earning money, cleaning the house, and planning futures should be a collaborative effort. No one should ever feel burnt out or that there carrying the total weight.
For any man compelled to read this book because of relationship issues, it’s probably a good Idea to read this section over and over again. For those of you who are consuming this by way of audiobook, put it on repeat.
This may be the most difficult part to deal with. For me and us as men. What I have previously written and going to write are things I’ve learned about myself on both ends of the polarity pole.
Things that are good and things that I’m working towards changing for the better. Assess yourself as you read along if you haven’t started already. Be brutally honest with yourself.
If I’m willing to share with you the fuck up I can be, you should be able to take these as bright red warning signs. Write down your own flaws and shortcomings and begin your journey at once to your best version.
If you’re in a situation like I am, separated, living in two different houses or even divorced, the first thing you need to do is take full responsibility, accountability and any other ilities for the part you played in it.
Unless your ex is just a savage, and cheated on you with no remorse, or was physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive towards you, nine times out of ten, you have just as much fault or possibly more, that your no longer together.
Let’s face it. When it comes to relationships of the opposite sex, things can get complicated….. Quickly.
In some rare instances, two people with solid loving upbringings can find themselves together, fall in love, then fall out of love.
If for a period of time they become distant or God forbid, enemies, usually the fall of the relationship can be placed upon just those two individuals.
However, for most of us, when relationships go in the wrong direction, they were never in the right direction in the first place.
During my first session with my therapist, he gave me something to think about that hadn’t entered my mind before.
I was complaining about everything wrong in my marriage. He directed my attention to a plant in his office and pulled a leaf off.
He told me the leaf was the surface but the problems with my marriage lay beneath that. In the root.
My disapproval of things “wrong” with my marriage as far as I was concerned, had very little to do with my wife.
My wife was just the person I shared space with. Had I married any other woman, the issues may not have been exactly the same, but ultimately the fate of whomever I had a relationship with, would have probably been similar.
For purpose of example only, I want to describe my fantasy woman. I want a woman with a Harvard educated brain, a pornstar in bed, a body like Serena Williams, a face like Beyoncé, with gangsta tendencies.
She definitely has to be a patient and loving mother for my kids, and most importantly she gotta be ride or die.
As a Hip-Hop cat, the first 6 would be great but not necessarily mandatory. As I’ve said, it’s totally fantasies.
But number 7….. Number 7 is a deal breaker.
When it comes to relationships, being “ride or die” is mandatory. As I see it, when you share space with someone, share your body and mind, money, living space, and even create children together, being trustworthy and loyal should be at the top of not just men, but women’s lists as well.
I deserve to be number one on my woman’s list and I’ll gladly give her that in return. We may fight like cats and dogs, and an hour later we talk it out, and have sex. She must believe in me and inspire me to grow.
That’s what “ride or die” is to me.
Now to be honest, before I met my wife, before I really understood who I was as a person, I felt the most important thing to me in a relationship was loyalty.
However, because I didn’t know myself, or even worse, refused to confront my demons and shortcomings to become better, I drifted through life for the most part unfocused with all this baggage I carried around. Baggage that consisted of pain, rejection, not really disciplined at anything of importance, and low self-esteem.
Loyalty was something I didn’t even have to myself. Let alone being honest enough to express myself in a way that any woman could actually have something from me to be loyal too.
I definitely had unrealistic expectations of what I felt my wife should or could provide for me. Unrealistic because my relationship with myself was toxic.
Low self-esteem causes you to take less than what you truly deserve. You feel you’re not worthy. It’s easier to pick the low hanging fruit then to see yourself at the top of the tree feasting on exactly what you want and how you want it.
My life wasn’t going in any particular direction. That meant, that my focus and intentions at any time could be manipulated to suit those I came in contact with.
Instead of me taking control and being the director of my own experiences, I just went along to add to the experiences of others.
As I’m writing this now, I may not have a perfect vision for what I see myself as, but I know I want to dedicate myself to my gifts. My gifts will provide the discipline I need to create and what I create will give me the foundation of who and what I am.
Moving forward, accepting anything less than something that compliments me and my goals are a distraction and wont fulfill my purpose. If it doesn’t help to fulfill or compliment my purpose, It’s not of importance.
This previous paragraph lifts my ambition to improve my self-esteem. It lets me know that personally, I’m more than enough. It sets a standard that at one time I didn’t have.
Put yourself in my shoes!!!
What was your life like before you met the person who you’re in a relationship with now? If the relationship is not good, or unfortunately horrible, where were you (before you got involved) from a mental and emotional aspect? What type of person were you? Were you desperate for sex? Were you longing for companionship and lonely? Thought you needed someone to help with finances?
I was all the above. I lived out of a sense of lack and because of that, I attracted what I was, instead of what I wanted. Somehow through time, I betrayed my own self and didn’t feel like what I wanted mattered.
Because I was simply drifting along with no real destination, no morals, or values, I realize I got the exact energy I put out.
When you’re not intentional about what you want, the default setting of life is like a lottery. Your liable to receive anything whether its perceived as good or bad.
I had an idea of what I wanted in a relationship but didn’t realize the most important relationship I can have is with myself.
I didn’t realize that two individuals coming from toxic backgrounds, low self-esteem, and pain, would only multiply those dysfunctions.
From what I’ve learned, a true relationship with two individuals is supposed to enhance the two involved. Having two separate full cups leads to an overflowing of abundance, happiness, prosperity, and creativity.
For most people, they search to find “The One”. They want to find The One who will complete them. If you’re in that frame of mind, your already operating out of lack.
Your already pushing the responsibility of your own happiness, accountability, and wellbeing on someone else. Your supposed to fulfill all those duties of happiness, love, and treating yourself with kindness with you FIRST.
If you’re not happy by yourself, including another person will only multiply grief.
If the relationship your in isn’t what you want, or your in turmoil of some degree, take the blame off your companion. Look at the root. The root is you.
Why are you in a relationship that’s so unfulfilling? Why are you arguing all the time? Why are you stressing so much when you sit with yourself?
Things that make sense to you in your mind, when you say them to your partner, they seem to come out of left field. There’s an immediate opposition. Shit don’t click.
That was there way before now. For whatever reason that you lasted this long, was probably out of habit and compromise. That little by little chipped away at your being and spirit.
Please don’t take this as a way to blame your significant other. Look at yourself first. What was it that you accepted? What did you know about the person you’re in a relationship with now, that annoys or even angers you?
Things you didn’t think were a big deal or would be an issue, you have a hard time accepting now.
When you see it from that perspective, you have no choice but to take ownership and give serious thought of where you presently are and more importantly, where you were before you decided to take things to a serious relationship level.
Who gave the green light to accept this in your life? Now would be a great time to look in the mirror.
Looking back on my early teen years, I remember how I dealt with young girls in relationships.
Grown folks used to tell us we were too young to be worried about all that.
We needed to be focused on school and what we wanted to be when we grew up.
Me and my homies didn’t have those thoughts of maturity. It was pretty girls in school and we wanted them all.
I had my first kiss at 6. I lost my virginity at 13.
Between the ages of 13 and 19 I had five somewhat “serious relationships”, all ending in very similar ways.
I would meet a girl and if I found out she liked me, and I was attracted to her, I would fall pretty hard for her.
Sooner or later, when infatuation would wear off, or I began pushing too hard, for the most part, they would break up with me and I would be devastated.
For me, the feeling of devastation would lead me to sometimes being cruel. I would say things about the person who broke up with me completely out of bounds. I was an immature dick. Mad because I didn’t get what I wanted. I was trying to retaliate for having a petty, bruised ego.
Unfortunately, I’m seeing this pattern now as I approach 50. Had I been wise enough back then to understand what I was doing, I’m sure I wouldn’t have been acting like such a desperate dickhead.
I didn’t really understand the mechanics of building a lasting relationship with a girl or young woman.
My mom and stepdad saved there intimacy for their bedroom. I can probably count on one hand how many times I seen them kiss.
I could get a girlfriend but couldn’t keep one, and I felt bad about it.
I carried a fantasy in my head of what a relationship was supposed to be like.
I never really learned about communication. Let alone being honest about that communication.
I WAS SEARCHING FOR “THE ONE”. But I’m sure if she had ever dropped in my lap, I wouldn’t know what to do with her after I got her.
Some of my friends were in serious relationships as they got older, but for the most part, I was like a third wheel or a wing man.
I never learned how to have friendships with females without ulterior motives of sex. That mindset often turned into bad relationships with young women.
Maybe one or two of the five could have ended up as something real, but for the most part, after good looks and sex wear off, it takes getting to know someone on a higher level that helps them and you grow.
To me that’s what a true relationship is. Two people who care for one another getting together for the purpose of growth while at the same time, having a healthy relationship with themselves.
The Bitterness And Carnage Of Bad Relationships
Being selfish for the greater good is something you must take into consideration moving forward.
I love my wife but we’re not good for one another. What has destroyed the future of so many people are bad relationships.
Bad relationships literally make you sick. Their emotionally draining. You see parts of yourself you can barely recognize. Then when you think it could get no worse, the spirit of bitterness comes into play.
What bitterness does, is keep repeat pressed constantly. Your past becomes your home. You replay arguments and bad episodes.
You’re in a mental prison and because you’ve played these scenarios over and over again, bitterness deteriorates your whole being.
I remember the pain and sickness that would enter my body every day when I reached the front door of my house after work in the evenings.
If this is happening to you, it’s definitely time to bring an end to this toxic union. Unfortunately, that in itself, brings another set of issues.
How do I get out of this? You stress about where you can go. If you have kids, you think of what’s going to happen to them.
One of the hardest conversations I ever had, was trying to explain to my son, me and his mom were splitting.
He cried. It took everything in me not to have a complete breakdown myself.
I couldn’t express to him the pain I was going through in a way a 10-year-old could understand.
All I could think to do, was reassure him that his mom and dad’s issues were not his fault. But it wouldn’t take his pain away.
I believe in my heart, the right decision was made. I no longer wanted to be this bitter hurt person I became.
I had to take care of myself, then put things together to be the father my son’s needed.
Trust me. I’m not some relationship guru but it’s obvious that relationships are designed to be harmonious unions. If there is no peace in a union, it will never work and will do more harm than good.
The element of children being involved, makes the navigation of separation like walking uphill on a frozen razor blade. There is no way that everyone involved, the couple and their children can come out unscathed.
Unfortunately, whatever decision that has to be made will inflict pain. Choosing to stay together with this weight of misery is like a timer clicking towards your imminent demise.
And yes, the prospect of starting over after a separation can be refreshing but the pain of your initial separation is always hard. There is always someone to blame.
There is always the one playing the victim. In most cases, at different points, both parties play the victim.
Guilt and questioning of loyalty arise. Children can be used as pawns. Both parties seem to be in a competition on who can spitefully inflict the most pain on the other.
You foolishly think that what you feel, the pain, maybe betrayal, humiliation, that your ex should feel that same concoction of negativity as well.
There’s no right choice to make as far as deciding to separate. But on the bright side when things are this bad, there is no wrong choice either.
The focus should be the kids. Can you think far enough past your pain to put them first and say to yourself, is this the environment I want them to live in?
I would always tell myself how important it was for my kids to see me happy. I actually get a good feeling when I envision a day where my children can describe their dad as just this happy dude who happens to be there father.
I want my sons to see me in an atmosphere where they can witness me creating and celebrating and loving my life because ultimately, how they see me live my life will be there blueprint for how they will live there’s.
So actually, separating was the best decision. Me being selfish for the greater good was a wise choice although painful for all involved. For the sake of my kids, I don’t regret that decision.
If you’ve tried counselling, talking, praying, and making efforts to somehow rekindle your relationship in various ways and sparks still don’t fly, end it. Hurt, heal, and recovery is wiser than pain out of duty and habit.
First off, for the men who really put in a genuine effort to fix your relationship and it didn’t work out, its more than fine to be angry. I remember all the sacrifices I made in my marriage. Things I was doing that I felt would be for the good of our future, right now seem to have been in vain.
Whatever I feel now, I have to not only embrace the anger or bitterness from the result of a failed relationship, but also realize that I knew the description of the job before I actually took it.
I can blame my ex for whatever actions I felt she did that bothered me, but as a whole, the demise of my marriage was my fault.
Because I was a drifter. Because I had no real goal or intentions that I set for myself, I put myself in a position to be used in someone else’s experience.
Sex is a helluva drug. If you indulge out of a sense of lack, that exchange of energy can be detrimental.
Before you share yourself with someone sexually, it’s wise to have 3 major things worked out in a relationship with your own self first.
One. Self-love. Get to know who you are. Find out what you like and don’t like about yourself. Write down your 5 strengths and 5 weaknesses you have. Improve your weakness so you ultimately have 10 things you consider valuable to your being. Your spirit.
This is a process where you transition from a drifter to a person of intent and a definite purpose. When your honest enough with yourself to do these things, you build love for yourself. You trust yourself.
The low hanging fruit that you will encounter will no longer be attractive to you because you now have standards and values. This is self-love.
Number 2. Replace anger and bitterness with a goal and purpose for your life. What do you want to do with yourself career wise? Do you need to go back to school for it? If so, do it.
Is it something your already doing but aspire to be better at it? Are you already in the company you want to work for but seek a higher position? Turn your bitterness in to positive fuel that that will give you the drive to seek the highest position possible.
Let your job be your new girlfriend or your career be your wife.
And number 3. Get your finances straight. Some of us got into bad relationships because of our shortage of money. We weren’t patient or focused enough to stand in a solid place financially on our own.
I get it. If your rent was $700 before you moved in together, and now its $350, that can be nice, but my uncle once taught me years ago that all money is not good money.
What is the actual benefit you’re getting in exchange for half of your rent and is it worth it? What freedoms are you giving up just to have someone in your house that you can regularly have sex with?
For myself, because I have two children, I’m creating what I call a 3 plus one rule. I must be able to take care of myself, two sons and a significant other before I can even consider getting into a serious relationship with anyone else.
I owe that to myself. The freedom to pick, choose, and refuse. You can only do that with a presentable bank account.
As I’ve grown and matured, I’ve come to the conclusion that the phrase, “Love Don’t Cost A Thing” is a lie.
The reality is anything worth having of true value cost a significant amount of time to cultivate which also has a financial price tag along with it.
There is a difference between gold-diggers and Goal Diggers. Most women of value already come into relationships being able to take care of themselves. They already have cars and jobs and, in some cases, careers and homes.
They want someone who is a leader but also one who wants to collaborate to make life’s adventures satisfying. Give your time and energy to a person who already lives in the space of gratitude and proper intent.
As I resume, if all you want to do is spend $10 a month on Netflix and a $15 meal before you have sex and leave before midnight, none of this is for you.
However, having a nice car with a nice roof over your head is extremely attractive to women of value. To get to know those women, you have to dress nice, want to eat at nice places, and go to nice events as a way of getting to know the person you’re dealing with.
You have to be financially stable to do these things or the other choice is get full of the sweet, diabetic, low hanging fruit that will ultimately lead to the sickness of bitter misery.
In closing, love yourself first. Fill your own cup and when that special one comes around, if that’s what you desire, they will be full as well and you can have an overflow of abundance and prosperity in one harmonious union.
Wish I knew this years ago.