As I’m writing this, I’m still in the midst of my own storm.
I saw a video on YouTube with Zsa Zsa Ali. I’m not quoting her word for word but she said if you’re in a place in life where things may not be going well and your stuck, one thing you can do to help yourself is to be of service to someone else.
I don’t have all the answers. I may not have the specific answer to the storm your currently facing, but I’m here for you. I understand.
For men, especially good men, who’ve had unfortunate things happen in their lives, when we’re down, we’re supposed to just “Man up and deal with it”. “Stop being a punk”. “Stop crying”. “Stop being a sissy”. “Stop complaining”.
But what if you can’t deal?
What if you’re in a period of time during your life and unfortunately your marriage falls apart, you lose your job, or you experience the misfortune of losing a dear loved one. How can you just shake it off?
In most cases, you can’t and it’s ok. There’s a process for all things. A lot of us spend a great deal of time focusing on why.
Then, we constantly replay many of the things that’s transpired in our pasts. We live in victim mode which keeps us from finding the solutions.
What many people don’t realize is that replaying certain things in our minds that’s brought us negative results can become habit. Addictions.
They say it takes 21 days to form a habit. If your bitter from a job you lost, let’s say, two years ago and have not been able to bounce back, a reason you can be stagnant or haven’t moved on, can be you’re spending too much time on the hurt out of habit.
Where there is no closure, moving on is almost impossible. I get it. It’s hard. If it were easy, everyone would do it and books like mine may not be written. But conquering a defeat from your past, is necessary. Moving on is necessary.
Most of us look at the work that’s involved and get intimidated. We see this big mountain of whatever it may be. Finances, a relationship, a career, improving health to avoid sickness, and determine its easier to suffer than work to not suffer.
As far as that mountain of whatever it may be in front of you, you can’t take the mountain all at once. That’s what’s so intimidating and why it still remains.
Your mind is on the other side of the mountain but your body is in front of it. Your actions and feelings remain in your past and the disconnect causes everything from depression to anger, to weight gain, substance abuse and physical sickness.
I’d suggest embracing being at the bottom of the mountain. Respect that moment of clarity. THE BOTTOM. Then one step at a time, climb one step at a time. Be in the moment of each step. There is no need to look up because you already know what’s there.
Concentrate on progress at your own pace. Be methodical. Make sure that by the time you reach the top, you’ve learned everything from how you got there in the first place, to embracing the new power and freedom of overcoming.
This is the great second chance you’ll have in life to be as creative and imaginative as you were at 7 years old. If you’ve never heard this before, they say, the imagination is the preview to life’s coming attractions.
If your already at the bottom and starting from scratch, you finally have the license to do and be whatever it is you want. Take advantage of this. Appreciate the journey. It’s truly a blessing when you think about it.
Then throw a rope and a light for the next person who will be coming after you.
When I separated from my wife in early 2019, I was in a place of darkness. To a degree, I’m still there. However, expressing myself in this way, and revealing pain and uncertainty, number one, has a way of bringing comfort to the constant throbbing of life’s unfortunate circumstances.
And number two, it gives the intended reader of this book, men who are suffering in silence, a light, and a rope in a dark hole in which they feel there alone.
Having a scarred pride and damaged ego along with heartbreaks and various disappointments, have held many of us prisoners and unable to reach out for much needed help.
Before my actual break up with my wife, I spoke to my therapist. I tried to find books and videos to uplift my spirits. I sought after individuals with similar circumstances as mine that elevated themselves so I could learn from them.
Most of all that, I did by myself because I felt alone. I felt I had a problem no one else could help me with. I was ashamed to let people know how much hurt I was actually in. It’s a numbing experience.
It was kind of like one of those weird nightmares when you wake up and your body is completely paralyzed. Your fully aware of your surroundings but for some reason you can’t move. When I googled this condition, I came across the phrase, Sleep Paralysis.
It’s happened to me more than a few times. The first time it happened, I was completely terrified. I can’t remember the dream that I woke up from, nor do I really remember intentionally working my body out of it, I just knew I couldn’t move and didn’t know why.
This past year, especially the first few months of living on my own, not being able to see my kids every day like I was used to, brought me into a “woke” paralysis if you will.
I’ve doubted myself. I’ve worried that I didn’t make the right decision. I’ve felt less than a man at times. I’ve been completely clueless on who I was or what I was doing.
I’ve been depressed, drunk, high, thoughts of suicide, wanted to quit, bitter at my ex, work suffered, felt like I was the biggest sucker that ever lived, and so on.
As far as suicide, I couldn’t take my life knowing what that would do to my boys. Right now, there 11 and 3. Me, not being here, especially by way of suicide, would scar them in an immeasurable way.
I know as they would get older, a sense of betrayal could very well arise or even worse, somehow, they’d begin to blame themselves.
That price is way too high for me to pay.
I love my boys with everything in me. There are times when I can’t provide for them the way I’d like and I feel like shit about it, but at least I’m here. I’m trying to contribute something.
When I’ve had them on weekends, we may not always be able to ball out and go to a bunch of places and spend lots of money, but I am here loving on them.
Sometimes we do go to nice places to eat and have fun but other times we go to the park, walk around a lake, and I take them to Bass Pro Shop to walk around, and look at boats and fish.
They love me. It’s their love for me that keeps me going. I understand this storm I’m going through is only for a season. Temporary. How selfish would it be of me to carry out something as drastically final as suicide because of these temporary times?
Excuse my French, but thoughts of suicide are a dark fucking hole. But it’s not a dark hole of unconsciousness. Your fully aware but just overtaken with extreme negative energy.
If your feeling like you’re ready to check out, FIND SOMETHING. ANYTHING!!! To think twice about it. I was blessed to find a good therapist. If you feel like you can’t afford one, look for one anyway.
You’d be surprised how many angels this universe has disguised as human beings that’s here specifically to help you in your most desperate need. It’s their jobs.
Also, I’ll suggest music. At times this can be a tough one because if you’re in a shitty mood, most ideas of songs or artist can escape you.
If you’re a guy like me who’s a hip-hop head, when I’m in the dumps, sometimes rap music won’t cut it.
Meditation music, R&B, or just smooth instrumentals I randomly find on YouTube can at least raise my vibe.
At least music can divert my attention to something else other than making a life changing decision in a weak moment of despair.
Comedy. There’s been times when I felt so sad and depressed and happen to stumble across some crazy meme on Facebook, a stupid video on Instagram, or found one of my favorite comics and looked at old standup routines where I knew I forgot parts of the act.
I’ve literally went from uncontrollable tears to laughing to a point where I was scared I’d not catch my breath and die of a heart attack.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you can find one reason or even more than one to possibly take your own life, I bet if you sat down and really thought about it, you can find twice as many reasons to keep going.
If you feel like you’re in life’s quicksand, do something nice for someone else. Let someone behind you check out in front of you at the grocery store. Buy a random person a cup of coffee.
Cut your neighbor’s lawn. Especially if its big.
By the time you’re done with the lawn, the feeling of satisfaction and accomplishment is a much better antidote then death. Hell, you may even be too tired to die. (Sorry for the dry humor)
Pull up Dave Chapelle on Netflix or Steve Harvey on YouTube and laugh. Or some soothing music to meditate too. It’s not too late in the fight to change the outcome.
Julio Cesar Chavez lost almost every round against Meldrick Taylor. He was getting his ass handed to him. After a relentless beating he took for 11 rounds, 2 minutes, and 45 seconds, he landed a huge punch and got a knockout with 2 seconds left in the fight.
He didn’t quit. A way was provided to him. There are affordable therapist and resources to help you for little or no money.
Like I said, these are angels put in your path. You just have to seek them. If it’s bad enough, they may even come to you. You have options.
Lastly. It sucks to feel alone. It sucks to feel unloved but whether you know it or not, someone close to you cares. Whether it be your kids, parents, family members, or that goofy friend you have that you rarely give time too, trust me, you will be horribly missed if your leaving prematurely.
Please think about that as well. I didn’t intend to start my book off like this but I’m sure if you picked this up or ran across this on Kindle, or WordPress, or even somehow heard it on audiobook, it was meant for you to hear. Just like it was meant for me to write it.
Suicide is a weird, hurtful subject and I hope no one has to ever experience it but it does happen. Mental illness, whether it’s a lifelong struggle or for a season in your life, is real. I’m just here to let you know there is joy and happiness on the Other Side.
Now, let us proceed.